Redjotter reflections

Dear 2011, You have been a whirlwind so far; catapulting me from highs and laughter to worries and sleepless nights.

You have been a year of questions. Making me think about who I am and the work I do like I have never thought before. You have shaken me up. I am living my dream and it's much much harder than I ever imagined possible.

I need to find my voice and find out who I really am and the time to start doing that is right this second. Plunge in. But I feel vulnerable and tender and I am being critical of everything I do... maybe that means I am getting closer to finding my voice.

The thing is, I over think things and often let my emotions take control of me. I over prepare when I really should be acting and then reflecting. I love what I do. It is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of at night. It is a part of me. I believe I am doing the work that matters. Although, planning a product company like MyPolice is a different ball game to building a business plan for Snook. They are both stuffed full of woulds, coulds and shoulds -  other peoples expectations and things that I have conditioned myself to think I should be doing.

What do I want to be doing?  Do I love my ideas? I do but my ideas feel different. I have been neglecting them - failing to cultivate insights and care for my creativity. This changes as of now. I must get all my ideas down on paper without self censorship and self criticism - let my ideas come from the most non-linear part of myself. I wonder what that part of myself feels like? I need to visit that place more often because when I don't my rational thought tells me to do things my heart doesn't agree with.

Someone clever recently said to me " order to achieve something you need to know what you want to achieve" Damn right. It's so easy to get overwhelmed and feel like a victim but I chose this. I make things the way they are. I decide and I perceive. Only me. No one else. I am scared of failing or embarrassing myself. I believe this fear is a good thing and I think it proves how passionate I am. When all this began I had no clue what I was up against and I'd prefer for things to stay that way. I don't want to know the barriers and the hurdles because then I will over think it.  You see, the difference between being an amateur and being a professional is mindset.  When obstacles and adversity present themselves ( as they do on a daily basis ) the key is not to listen to the voices and the excuses. Do not make excuses. Do not accept or acknowledge them.

Yes, I have fresh energy and optimism. Bucket loads of the stuff. But that doesn't happen by itself. I make it happen. Sometimes it's exhausting. Sometimes it's elating.  I've found myself pulling away from the community I feel closest to so I can be in isolation and get stuff done. Does serious work require disconnecting? How do I balance this with maintaining a presence? Dropping off the radar every now and again is healthy but I feel lonely sometimes - I must hunt for the balance. Who is taking care of me? I have to trust myself more to look after me.

It is my passion for design and my craft that frames my experience and drives me forward when nothing else can. I want to explore that frame - draw it, examine it and share it. The designer I am is my unique thing - I design in a way that is unique to me. That's why all this feels right on instinct; design. It's the decisions round about that I need to question.

I hope every tear I have shed will be worth it... 50% of companies fail within the first five years. Have I got what it takes? Can I do this? Well, I don't have a choice really so I'm learning as I go. I'm excited about my ideas and about what I could do in the world. Why wouldn't I try? I want to be a walking expression of my true philosophy! It's becoming my identity. I am Lauren Currie and I need to be at peace with who I am. Knowing stuff isn't enough - I have to do. I want to be known for my acts not my ideas. Right now, what Sarah and I are constructing is slowly becoming the future I dream of. The reason I am writing to you is because all this is my responsibility. It's all up to me. And that's powerful.

I am putting my head down and creating something tremendously exciting.

Three cheers for tenacity.

Redjotter x

p.s thank you to notebook doodles for the brilliant pic